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| Opposition Declares War on New Smileys |
| Posted on Apr 28 2008, 12:59 AM by phantom_rider2 |
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OD City (NPNN) - Lief Ericson, head of the FPH opposition party alongside official clan carpetbagger Darkflame, today voiced his hatred of emoticons -- commonly referred to as smileys on the streets of FPH Island.
After somewhat-kinda-maybe-sorta interim co-leader pr2 proposed a policy of smileys for all in a press conference Saturday Lief interrupted and screamed out "UNNEEDED!" This brought an abrupt end to the joyous occasion for the huddled masses of FPH Island who rely on government smiley welfare for their wellbeing.
Supporters of Lief tried to hide this outburst's hypocrisy by glossing over his history of smiley aid to the inner-city poor and Africa. They were forced, by the end of the day, to blame the confrontation on the age of the opposition leader and his recent bouts with senility.
© NPNN -- Your Number One Source for Made Up News! |
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| Ball-less Opposition to Hal: "We surrender!" |
| Posted on Apr 27 2008, 02:23 AM by Lief |
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OD City (FPH Sun)- In a not so shocking turn of events, the Opposition has crumbled in the face of Hal's not-so-spirited defense of himself. His Purple Eminence Pratt, after remarking that he was too busy to defend himself and had other things to attend to, caused the so-called Opposition to immediately fold, as they removed their signatures from the petition of impeachment. Said Opposition Leader (not really) Dark Flame, "We're terriblij sorrij for any hassle anij of this may haav caused."
The actual Leader of the Opposition, Dr. Lief H. Ericson, in an interview over the weekend, mused that Mr. Flame perhaps lacked the cojones to oppose Hal. "Not to be racist or anything, but the Dutch aren't really known for their ability to get things done. They frankly haven't done anything of note since that one guy stuck his finger in the hole in the dike and saved the entire country and became a national hero."
Hans Brinker, when reached for comment, agreed with the comments made by Dr. Ericson. He also remarked that he believed that Hal was doing a very good job. Continued on Page 2.
Nudity on Page 3.
Shocking Theias/Bessy Expose on Page 4.
IS SUNNY PREGNANT? See the MIND-BLOWING pictures on Page 5. |
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| Hal administration breaks new record! |
| Posted on Apr 25 2008, 01:50 AM by Lief |
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Secret Templar City (The FPH Sun) - In a shocking turn of events, Hal has been impeached accidentally. With the eighth vote of Sog E. Frog, the required 33% of 23 Templars have signed the petition to impeach the oft drunk leader. Opposition Leader (not really) Dark Flame has not released a comment, but earlier comments from his office should be indicative of the opposition's (not really) mood:
"Ja, we zijn erg blij van de huidige vooruitgang. Hal is een middelmatige leider en eerlijk gezegd is het vernietigen van de clan niet snel genoeg naar mijn smaak. Waar zijn de verschrikkelijke grappen niet een maar Shusky en me eraan? Waar zijn de verschrikkelijke smilies dat zijn dom? Waar is de macht die zij mij ook al ben ik onverantwoord?"
Meanwhile, notable Templar, Phantom T. Rider was decidedly in favor of the move. "This will make the clan better," said Rider.
CONTINUED ON PAGE 3
NUDITY ON PAGE 2-5 |
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| phantom rider II Inquires if 'Days are Numbered' |
| Posted on Apr 23 2008, 04:13 AM by phantom_rider2 |
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Ponay Island (NPNN) - "Today," phantom rider the second, the one time vice leader of FPH Clan and overall inconspicuous member of the Templar population, says in a one on one interview, "I woke up feeling like it was Friday. I wonder if my days are numbered."
This led journalists, analysts, and Templars everywhere to wonder if pr's days are numbered. A detailed look at his threads over the past several years indicate his popularity peaked in 2004 before plunging to today's level of negative five. This number has been held afloat by the great karma freeze of '08 -- a response by the Elpea Administration to skyrocketing karma bankruptcies.
Yesterday's unanimously lackluster exposé that sensationalized the process of the Leader's formation of a proposal for something or another has left phantom's reputation as a "pretty unremarkable character" tarnished. Quoting Hal: "He obviously tl;dr'd the whole thing... that fucker."
Lief J. Ericson, Ph.D., however, agreed with phantom's accused tl;dr of the proposal. "I too admit I did not read it! As past elections show, however, the tl;dr constituency has remained strong and influential -- especially in the election of Hal last week." He did not, however, make any claims to phantom's further longevity as he is still spending time with his family and deciding if he shall run in the Fall '08 election.
The Nile Penguin Congress gave phantom rider the second an award for the article in question before retracting it after realizing that the FPH Island remains the desert nation's number one source of water and, more importantly, sacrifices. The Penguin Prime Minister had no comment.
Casey R. Botolf, Jr. stated that phantom II was a "great" addition to the clan and would be "sorely missed" if his days are, indeed, numbered. It should be noted that he was compensated for being the sole voice of support in this article. phantom II is also the chairman of the Botolf '08 Exploratory Committee.
Citizens of FPH Island overwhelmingly gave phantom rider three stars out of ten for his service to the FPH Clan. They, in the same survey, gave great acclaim to that good fellow Theias and his great artistic achievements which have given FPH Island a great cultural standing in the world. The NPNN editorial review also gave great and unsolicited praise to Theias: "Thankfully he's no phantom rider II."
The Darkflame for FPH PAC, which is currently in campaign to Impeach Leader Harold D. Wittengeinstein IV, gave no comment on the end of days for phantom the second. They did, however, ask why no articles by the revered NPNN have yet covered the impeachment campaign.
NPNN president Bessie McClure responded: "Naner-naner, we just mentioned it!"
As all of this activity occurs on the FPH Island, phantom u. rider II will remain on his Ponay Island estate wondering if the days are coming to a close. "It's a sad fact of life, but at least I have enough money to bribe people and remain relevant should I decide I should matter for whatever reason."
Analysts such as SoggyFrog Maximus disagree that this strategy will work. "Just don't tell phantom," says Soggy, "he's a total emo like LP," referring to Luciano Pee Emilio -- also one known to be toward the end of his existence.
© NPNN -- Your Number One Source for Made Up News! |
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| Health Group Warns: "meh" is Dangerous |
| Posted on Apr 23 2008, 04:01 AM by SoggyFrog |
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Goat News - Best for your family and your mom - A once unknown disease, "meh", has found its way into our forum language files, pathologists now believe, by means of phantom_raider2. It was first transmitted by members of the exotic Flying Monkey species engaging in objectionable sexual activities, and health officials are warning of symptoms that include an excess and exclusive keenness for indie music or politics.
The Official Council of Hippo Hypochondriacs wishes this disease to be labelled a health threat and recommends that all efforts to contain the spread of "meh" be made. The SoggyPharm Group has initiated research into an anti-meh vaccine, and its product Ebullienxin is now undergoing clinical trials. SoggyPharm recently announced that its product would clear drug regulations and be available on the market by 2014.
Appearance of the disease in language files |
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| Purple Eminence's 'New Meh' Plan 'Completely Unorginal |
| Posted on Apr 22 2008, 05:18 AM by phantom_rider2 |
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Diamond Mountain of Fuck (NPNN) - Following a bad two days as leader, Tuesday is looking to be another bad one for Prince Harold D. Wittengeinstein IV. His "New Meh" plan to the Templars of the FPH Clan to provide "a long-winded plan that no one will ever agree on to lead us into further boredom!" seems to be completely stolen from an earlier administration.
Sunday, deep within the DMOF, a slave working in the Ministry of Anime Fanart of Tentacular Nature's secret storage cavern discovered something that was most definitely not anime fanart of tentacular nature -- a plan dating back to July 2006.
Dr. Lief J. Ericson, Ph.D., the Minister of Abundant Bureaucracy since October 2007, was arrested in connection to the theft and hiding of a sacred relic of the Shusky Administration, an original parchment containing the law appropriately named "Bloated Bureaucracy Initiative," which was signed into law in July of 2006. The law is, according to all FPH Constitutional Scholars, simply a detailed version of what Harold pronounced on Monday.
It called for several hundred Ministries, Honorary Titles, Duchies, and extravagant sporting arenas. The iniative was declared a success in a December 2006 ceremony at the ski lodge on the summit of the Diamond Mountain of Fuck during a bitter election duel between incumbent Sir Shusky and Dr. Ericson, the same man implicated in Prince Harold's plagiarism.
Apparently one week ago a break-in was reported at the Hippogate Hotel which was, at the time, hosting great monuments of the FPH Clan -- including the Bloated Bureaucracy Initiative parchment, which the obviously ninja robbers took without anyone noticing. They then slipped it into the pile of anime fanart of tentacular nature before leaving. Dr. Ericson was implicated when his seed was found on the parchment and several pages of anime nearby.
Upon being arrested and carried out of the Ministry of Abundant Bureaucracy's offices late Tuesday, Lief presented a statement: "I would've got away with it too, if it hadn't been for those meddling kids!" He was then, in an instance of extraordinary rendition, flown by zeppelin to the Nile region and tortured for several hours just for the hell of it.
The main question remaining tonight has yet to be answered: How did no one remember that FPH Clan had featured a bloated and chaotic bureaucracy of hundreds of ministers, administrators, and moderators for several years and simply call Prince Harold on it?
General Sunha Tainai Pehnis ventured a guess during an interview. "The Grand Capitol Move of '08 made everyone really, really, really confused," he said with emphasis. "Also, if I may take credit for another of Hal's ideas: it was actually my idea to remove the 'Clan' title, as no clan has ever succeeded in eliminating the Jews -- which was the main policy of my twenty terms as leader. Now, why don't you write a whole article about that and ask those ungrateful bastards why they don't remember the great things I did!" Gen. Pehnis then stormed out of the room to find a sheep to rape.
NPNN will, in the coming days, release the full wording of the Bloated Bureaucracy Initiative for all to examine.
© NPNN -- Your Number One Source for Made Up News! |
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| A Pronouncement |
| Posted on Apr 21 2008, 08:52 PM by Hal |
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My fellow Templars,
It has long been the policy of the FPH clan, and, indeed, in this tendency we might, we daresay, find perhaps the only constants of the FPH clan, aside from our hatred of Teal Hippos, the friendship of the Nile Penguins, and our proclivity to fart hearts, to be governed by a sole leader, who within his Constitutionally bracketed powers, controls our clan. We have, betimes, modified this Constitution a great deal, created formal roles of Moderator or Webmaster, rescheduled or reformed the nature of Leader elections, and adjusted the methods of Templar election, however, it has always been within the structure of the Constitution.
My friends, I hereby do intend, as I suggested during my campaign, to propose a new course forward, one which, in my view of events, better suits our tendencies and preferences than constitutional governance. I will examine what I consider to be a short taxonomy of possible governments, and in doing so illuminate what I consider to be the appropriate course forward. I will, in a future Pronouncement, further propose how we might achieve this better form of government.
But first, I will propose to explain, as I recall it, how our present form of governance came to be. We are, I trust, all well aware of the start of the clan, the FPH's noble discovery by the ever inquisitive Newbie, the touching support of the staff at ES of our endeavours, and finally, from the muck of HG, our settlement and development of the FPH Island. I believe that our constitution is, and remains, notably marked by this development. In particular, it reflected the sort of "Gaming Clan" mentality such a start entails. The emphasis was on fairness, having a high standard of behavior such that all Templars might equally enjoy to play AoM together (that none much enjoyed AoM at all is an unfortunate accident. Also, for the purposes of this discussion, there are no expansion packs. There never were expansion packs. Expansion packs do not exist. And so on), and a regularity that might admit of new membership with alacrity.
I believe it suffices to say that we are no longer such a clan. Today, we are marked by our cultural and intellectual pursuits, in short, more of a club, or circle, or group, and not so much a 'clan.' This is further evinced by my immediate predecessor's recent suggestion that we cease to call ourselves a clan. I move rather the further, and suggest that we, whatsoever we call ourselves, cease to function as a clan.
But what does such a statement mean? I propose there are, fundamentally, three offices which must be performed, for any group of persons to formally organize themselves. These are Invitation, Justice, and Direction. Invitation is means by which a person not of the group becomes a person of the group. Justice is the means by which an aggrieved person of the group is restituted. Direction is the means by which the group acts as a totality. I believe that in all 3 of these offices there are two dimensions, along which all groups are situated, so that we might described all organized groups as a sextuple, with elements ranging from 0 to 1. These two dimensions are formality and distribution. Formality is the degree to which the group formalizes its office, with 0 being no formalization at all, and 1 being a heavily formalized process. Distribution is the degree to which the group distributes responsibility for these offices, with 0 being total democracy (I here elide vagaries of voting methods) and 1 being a single Officer (this also simplifies questions of hierarchy; however, like voting methods, I elide this distinction, as I feel it is, properly considered, more a question of Direction than of Office itself).
I could now explain what all 12 following forms of government would be, if one were to simplify these dimensions into binaries. However, it suffices, I think to discuss what FPH has been, and what is ought to be, with the general space in mind.
Historically, we have tended towards what might, in general, be called a "Formal Weak Leadership," model- which almost all gaming clans will naturally use- in which we tend towards formalness is all 3 areas, and have a single leader (undistributed Direction), but distributed Invitation and Justice (whether Justice is distributed has varied most in Clan history of any variables). Incidentally, it is not at all clear that our Justice has, in practice, been formal, although in historical Constitutions it was, this piece of formality seems to have quickly eroded, while the remainder stayed.
I believe we are increasingly at present tending to, in behavior, but not in our Constitution, what might be called "Semi-formal anarchy," where we have formalized, but unstated, (so, say, half-way between formal and informal), offices, and all offices are democratic. Thus, we, by and large, remove the position of the Leader, and instead proceed forward under what, in the elections, I had termed "parliamentary." For practical reasons, it is likely we will still want to have specific people assigned to specific jobs- moderation, running the AdminCP and so on- however, rather than formal, Constitutional elections to select these people, a more fluid method is used. This is more akin to the manner in which formalized trained groups operate, say, a group of friends on a long backpacking trip, or a band. I believe that, in large, this is already the way in which FPH works, and so I propose simply the following changes to make this a more completely open system:
First - ending the existence of a position as "Leader," and instead having a varying number of Administrators (the Webmaster remains, since, um, Mike pays the bills!), who are entrusted with the use of the AdminCP, and Moderators, who run the forums without AdminCP access, whose roles and positions will be determined in a popular, ad-hoc manner- without written rules, but with recourse to our already present formalized social structure.
Second - Yet Another Constitutional Convention with the aim of getting rid of the Constitution in its entirety, at which point we would adopt the above proposed system.
This is, of course, a highly radical proposal. I will in a soon to be made Pronouncement describe what I think the effects of this will be on our group. In the meantime, I welcome feedback! |
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| Hal Elected Leader; Impeachment Already 'On the Table.' |
| Posted on Apr 20 2008, 05:31 AM by phantom_rider2 |
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FPH Island (NPNN) - Hal, former leader and head of the Anybody but Darkflame Party (ADP) was formally inaugurated today inside the Temple of the Golden Hippo. Thousands gathered to watch and celebrate as Flying Purple Hippos flew in formation overhead, leaving trails of rainbows.
Following the ceremony police were tested for the first time in the second Hal administration as hundreds of inebriated men, hippos, cockroaches, birdies, Jews and penguins roamed the streets leaving trails of destruction and urine. In a written statement the chief executive's spokesman defended his positions: "[Hal] never stated his platform of free beer on the weekends was without flaws, but he stands by the freedom of Templars everywhere to get shitfaced and act foolish!"
Across the island in a separate press conference Chiron J. WP made the opposition's plans very clear. "We will not let democracy stand in our way," He is quoted as saying, "Darkflame's coalition will immediately press for impeachment and disbarring of Hal IV on the grounds of being incredibly hard to understand!" Darkflame was unavailable for comment as he is vacationing in Nazi Germany to move past his loss.
Third place candidate Soggyfrog, who had attempted to become only the second Asian leader of the FPH clan, responded to Chiron's statement during his own press conference across the street. "My supporters are very happy with the outcome," he stated toward the end of the event, "Had Darkflame won the FPH Clan as we know it would have ended! We hope Darkflame takes this loss with honour and commits seppuku."
At the same time, near Fajita Beach on the southern bay of the island, Darkflame supporters gathered for a ceremonial mass suicide to protest their candidates' loss. "He ran the best campaign!" newly approved Templar Requiem said to much applause, "We all know running the best campaign makes you leader! Hal and his supporters have no respect for tradition!" Immediately after finishing his comments Requiem and others at the event jumped off the pier into shark and carnivorous cockroach infested waters. Hal's campaign had no comment, though privately a source close to the Leader explained that with the majority of the opposition dead the ADP nominee would be assured a victory. "That is, to Hal, a very good thing."
Darkflame's running mate Sir Silver Husky summed the situation up adequately: "Well fuck."
© NPNN -- Your Number One Source for Made Up News! |
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| DEATH WITH HONOR |
| Posted on Apr 20 2008, 04:42 AM by Requiem |
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We fought for DF. We failed. There is no longer any honor in living. And so we die.
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